I haven’t been posting much lately. In large part, because the things weighing on my mind weren’t things I could publicly talk about until I had an idea of where life was going.
I mentioned interviews in my last post, and…I got a new job! I applied to a couple different districts, interviewed a couple times, and accepted a job at a school about four hours from where we currently live. It’s a little bigger than my current district, but the vibe, atmosphere, whatever, was phenomenal.
This year has been exceptionally hard for me. I’ve become jaded and burnt out. I haven’t been the teacher I want to be. I let things slide in my classroom I never would have allowed even my first year. So many of my coworkers are jaded, almost all the comments you hear in the hallways, lunchroom, office are negative. And it’s from the top down.
When I started the application process, it felt like things were falling into place. My husband applied for a job in the same company he’s currently in, in a similar position to what he currently has. There was an opening in the same town. Beautiful houses.
But I didn’t get that job. I didn’t have experience with different assessments that they use to know strengths and weaknesses. I learned, used my want to improve at the next interview, and got it. My husband still hasn’t officially heard from the job he applied for. The stress of not knowing is still making me nauseous.
We are moving though. Because I accepted the job, resigned from the position I’ve had for eight years, told my students that I wouldn’t be teaching here next year.
In a way, it’s the hardest thing I’ve done. It’s bittersweet. If I want to continue being a teacher, I need a new environment to grow in. I’ve worked with amazing educators here, but there isn’t a lot of encouragement for growth. But…I started here. I started my career, my family, my journey to finding myself here, in this town-this district.
I’m grieving. I’m excited, I know this is what’s best for my family, but I’m grieving.
We’ve met so many people, got a chance to have fantastic people in our lives: my coworkers have loved my kids, my friend group has been my rock throughout this whole journey, my students have touched my life in ways I can’t even begin to describe, I have some parents who speak so highly of me (even though I struggle to see the truth in what they say), who have entrusted to me the most precious people in their lives.
It’s hard not to grieve that.
I know I will make the same kind of connections in my new district: like I said, the vibe was amazing. But, I also know what I’m leaving behind.
I keep telling my students, “I’m not dying! You can still email or text me.” And I know my friends are lifers, but I also know how different things will be when I’m not physically here.
Also, when I say that my friends have been my rocks: I swear. They’ve listened to me bitch about my job, feeling inadequate, struggling with certain aspects all year. They hyped me up when I started applying for jobs, they hyped me up before interviews, they reminded me of my worth when I didn’t get positions: they bought me flowers with a perfect card when I did. They have offered to take my kids, help clean, help paint, help pack. I couldn’t ask for a better, more supportive support system.
Honestly, leaving them is going to be the hardest part of all of this.
The emotions that I’ve been feeling, the processing, is exhausting. In the best way. Or worst. Depends on the moment.
We started cleaning and packing so that we can show our house. It makes everything seem more real, more tangible. And my students informed me we have 20 some days left. Which means that my time at my current district is wrapping up sooner than I realized.
I swear I’ve cried every day since I got the job. Happy tears, sad tears, nostalgic tears, tears because I can’t stop crying.
The processing is going to take a while. The excitement ebbs and flows. I think once I know for sure about Nate’s job, once I accept that change is a good thing, which is a lifelong struggle for me, then the excitement will ramp back up.
The kind of change, of growth, that we’re about to embark on is the great one. We’re growing as a family (no, that doesn’t mean more babies), we’re growing as individuals, we’re making the adult choices for the betterment of our family: our family being us and the boys. And I have the very best people in my corner supporting me every step of the way.
On top of all the things I’m feeling: grief, excitement, nervous, overwhelmed, exhausted, happy, sad, nostalgic, and more, lucky is right up at the top. Not for the new job, I mean…I’m super qualified, and good at what I do, so luck isn’t a huge factor. Lucky because of the people who support us. Lucky because even though they’re a little heartbroken, I’ve had students say, “I’m happy for you guys.” The parents are also a little sad, but understanding. I hate to say we’re “blessed” because I think it’s trite, but…I also think it fits here.
I’m the luckiest, most blessed, girl alive.
And I’m so excited for the next step: and to continue to share it with all of you.