I. Am. Exhausted.
I swear for the past month, I have been on the road more than I’ve been home.
I’ve been all over the state: trips, interviews, appointments, grocery shopping. Some has been fun, some has been stressful. All of it has worn me out.
I know I’ve made the choice to go, I could have sat out a trip with my sister-in-law, or opted out of buying tickets for Dinosaur Quest for the boys. But I don’t want to have to give up experiences and fun times, just because I’m drained.
I feel like I’ve spent more time in my expedition than I have my kitchen the past few months. On which note, cardboard pizza for supper tonight. Again.
I want to be one of those people who can work all week, be gone on weekends, and keep a clean house, homecooked meals on the table, and well behaved, cleaned, coifed kids.
My house is a mess, we eat more grilled cheese and frozen pancakes than is probably healthy. My kids did just get haircuts, when they were with my parents last weekend while I was chaperoning a school trip. So there’s that, but they’re also on a twice a week bath schedule.
I feel like I’m failing at the things that are supposed to be ingrained in me: housework, motherhood, teaching, self-care.
I feel like I’m always failing.
And that’s exhausting to me too.
There’s some things up in the air right now for my family. And I need some answers to that, because I feel paralyzed.
It’s that ADHD paralysis: I can’t focus on anything else until I have answers about these things.
I can’t move forward, until I know which direction forward is taking me.
I don’t know if other people experience this as often as I do? Maybe just neurodivergent people? Maybe it’s just me.
But I do know, that when I can take the time (like next weekend, and Easter weekend) I will be soaking it in. Using it to clean, to make baby blankets for my future niece, to spend time with my boys, to enjoy some relaxation again.