I decided to get back on track. I had a major anxiety attack last week. Like take a xanax, still need my husband to help me, laid in bed crying after anxiety attack.

So, this morning I got up at 5:30, worked out, and drank a protein shake.

G woke up at 5:40, and came out with me. He decided to work out with me after he actually got awake enough to semi-function.

Today, my goal in working out was to do all the reps, even if it meant modifying. I didn’t want to give up, or tell myself I couldn’t do it. I feel that I was successful in this.

However, while G was “working out” with me, he would quit, and say, “I can’t do this.” “I fell down, I can’t do it anymore.” “I don’t feel good.”

And it broke my heart, because I know exactly where he heard those things.

Realistically, I know he’s listening to me. That was apparent when he asked me where his “goddamn blankie was” or when he was racing cars and missed the end of the track and whispered, “Ah, shit.” I just didn’t realize he was listening and absorbing everything I do and say.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, for my boys. I have to undo the negative thinking that I’ve started G with, because I don’t want him to think he can’t do something. He’s strong, and brave, and beautiful, and can do anything he sets his mind to.

And maybe, just maybe, I need to start saying the same thing about myself.

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